IF THE LAST year has proved anything, it's that, as a nation, we're obsessed with sex. Not only do we want sex--we want to know who our friends and family are having sex with. We want to know who our co-workers are having sex with. We want to know who our Hollywood stars are having sex with. For reasons which remain inscrutable, we even want to know who our politicians are having sex with. Hell, we've spent the last 13 months--and a fortune--investigating our philandering President's pathetic sex life! (Unless you buy that crap that it wasn't about sex....) So, last December, with a zeal for detail normally reserved for the Office of the Independent Counsel, we asked you readers to share your sex lives with us. And, boy, did you ever--more than 400 of you responded, from which we've somewhat haphazardly produced this utterly unscientific sex survey. Sadly, we didn't have space for every single one of those essays--particularly those lengthy detailed accounts of sexcapades involving farm animals--but we're running those we could fit in the pages that follow. (If you kept copies of your work, we're sure several men's magazines would be interested.) Parental advisory: Respondents tended to be quite graphic--and fairly, shall we say, open-minded--in their responses, particularly to the essay questions, so you'll probably want to keep this issue out of the hands of children. But then, it's not much worse than the Starr Report--and that was funded with your tax dollars and mailed to every household in the United States, courtesy of the House Republicans. So who are we? Forty-nine percent of our respondents were male, while 51 percent were female. (And one respondent claimed both genders, chastising us for our insensitivity: "There are more than two genders, darlings." We stand corrected--but we're not gonna ask you to be our valentine.) Judging from the survey, you're a kinky bunch. Three-fourths of you are straight, while 14 percent classify yourselves as bisexual, 6 percent as gay and 4 percent as lesbian. The average woman was 36 years old and the average man was 43; the oldest respondent was 92, while the youngest was 16. Forty-five percent of you have kids, while 12 percent have grandkids. Just three of our respondents--two men and one woman--were still virgins, with an average age of 32. Of those involved in carnal behavior, the average fella lost his virginity at age 16.71, while the average gal gave it up at age 16.17. Eighty-six percent of the men said losing their virginity was a positive experience, while only 55 percent of the ladies agreed with that sentiment. Only 1 percent of you were stoned and 1 percent were smashed when you took that big plunge into the world of sexual relations, and about 1 percent of you lost your virginity with a partner of the same sex. Let's get right to the bottom line: How often do you have sex? Both men and women say they knock booties, on average, eight times a month. Men would like to get laid 27 times a month, while women would be satisfied with just 20 "encounters"--as Miss Lewinsky prefers to call 'em--a month. How do you make up for that difference between desire and consummation? By taking matters into your own hands. Men spank their monkeys an average of 14 times a month, while women ring their dinger about seven-and-a-half times. You're willing to try all kinds of sex, at least once: Oral sex (95 percent), hetero sex (92 percent), vaginal sex (91 percent), anal sex (67 percent), phone sex (55 percent), public sex (46 percent) and same-sex sex (39 percent). You have one-night stands (69 percent) and sex with toys (54 percent). You like to have sex with more than one person: Forty percent of you have had three-way sex and 22 percent have progressed to group sex. (And judging from the essay questions, if you haven't tried a threesome--or moresome--you'd sure like to give it shot!) You like to do it in cars (88 percent), tubs (77 percent), public parks (47 percent) and your parents' beds (37 percent). And more than one out of five of you (22 percent) have taken advantage of the semi-privacy of a public bathroom to have sex. Hope you remembered to wash your hands. Let's talk relationships: Thirty-eight percent of you are single (sorry about your luck!), 10 percent are going steady, 22 percent are in long-term relationships, and 30 percent are married or partnered. Of those in relationships, 72 percent say they are monogamous, while 16 percent report they have an open relationship, and 12 percent say they're in an open relationship, even though their partners don't know it. Speaking of straying: More than 24 percent of you have cheated on your current partners like high-ranking GOP congressmen, and 18 percent of you have gotten away with it. Twenty percent tell us you would dump your partner for wealth or fame. And how many partners have you little tramps had? Fourteen percent of you have had fewer than five partners, 22 percent have had five to 9 partners, 20 percent have had 10 to 19 partners, 21 percent have had 20 to 49 partners, 13 percent have had 50 to 100 partners, 5 percent have had more than 100 partners, 2 percent have had more than 1,000 partners, and 2 percent just couldn't remember. You meet your partners through friends (57 percent), at work (42 percent), in bars (30 percent), in class (21 percent) and through personal ads (13 percent), but those trendy coffeehouses suck as a pick-up scene (5 percent). Forty-three percent of men and 30 percent of women have lied to get sex. Sixty-five percent of the men and 84 percent of the women say they've had sex when they really didn't want to. (As one female respondent noted, "I was married for five years, for God's sake!") Fifty percent of the women and 39 percent of the men have said "no" when they meant "yes," while 84 percent of the women and 51 percent of the men have said "yes" when they meant "no." Jeez, that's confusing! Forty percent of women and 35 percent of men have engaged in bondage, while 16 percent of both genders have delved into the world of S&M. A whopping 31 percent of women and 23 percent of men have indulged in water sports, which makes us wonder if you know what they are. (It's peeing and pooping on each other, not having sex after a day of fishing on Lake Roosevelt.) About 19 percent of you have done household chores to get sex. Nearly 35 percent of men have paid for sex, while just 5 percent of women have paid for it--and we suspect the ladies' response had more to do with an emotional toll, given that they tended to write things like, "Haven't we all?" Conversely, 20 percent of the female respondents say they've been paid for sex, while 14 percent of the men say they've hustled themselves a little extra spending money. It helps to loosen inhibitions, even if it doesn't improve performance: Eighty-seven percent of you have had sex while drunk, 66 percent have smoked pot before sex, 31 percent have had a bump of coke with sex, and 25 percent have raised your consciousness--or something--with LSD and mushrooms. Ten percent have indulged in ecstasy and 9 percent have taken a snort of amyl nitrate. Viagra hasn't caught on much yet; just 2 percent have tried sex with the wood drug. Twenty percent of you have faced an uncomfortable moment of truth when your parents walked in while you were having sex, while 27 percent of you say you've walked in on your parents having sex. (One of you expressed dismay at this question: "My parents had sex?!") Then there are the unpleasant consequences of all this casual sex. More than 31 percent of you have had some kind of venereal disease. That troublemaker herpes leads the pack, having settled into the genitals of 11 percent of you readers. Eight percent have faced a bout with chlamydia, 6 percent have experienced the discomfort of gonorrhea, 3 percent have had genital warts, and another 3 percent have had crabs. State Rep. Karen Johnson, another one of those deviant Mesa Republicans, would no doubt be shocked to hear that not a single respondent mentioned suffering from "gay bowel disease." If all that isn't enough to make you take a few precautions next time you're having a one-night stand, remember this: Six percent of you have lied about having a sexually transmitted disease. As Fox Mulder likes to say, "Trust no one." Oh, let's not forget that wildest of aphrodisiacs, politics. If it were up to you, you'd tell those Operation Rescue creeps to go screw themselves: A whopping 86 percent of respondents were pro-choice. And, while 82 percent of you believe oral sex is indeed sex, you still support your finger-wagging President--only 20 percent agreed that Clinton should be tossed out of office. Of course, that was before the House managers made that stirring case over the last week.... Finally, 29 percent of you felt like sluts after you finished filling out this survey. However cheap we made you feel, thank you all for sharing. Have a happy Valentine's Day--and for God's sake, when you're gettin' nasty out there, use a condom, wouldja? What Was Your Most Memorable Sexual Experience? WOMEN SAY: First time with my husband • NAU library • Too many to pick one • First-time anal • The orgy I had w/ six people • Sex in a dark room at a photo lab • In the cemetery • An orgy/houseparty with 10 couples • In back of truck w/rock star in front of The Rock • Driving home from Yuma with my husband, getting so hot and bothered in the car that we turned off the interstate, down a deserted-looking road and went off into the field to make love in the wide-open space • Three different women in one day--three separate incidents • First time being fisted • Having orgasmed 20 times in two hours while my lover performed oral sex • Sex on A Mountain • Making it with a cop in uniform with his gun on • Laff's restroom • Having sex with five cute young guys • Sex at firehouse • Sex outside the car on an interstate off-ramp • First time someone gave me oral sex • In a tunnel in the wilderness • Sex with a co-worker in the back office • G-spot sex with my husband in the wilderness • Outdoors • Under a bridge • Notel-Motel in '76--loooong story • Two days w/ only breaks for naps, snacks, and the bathroom • Being blindfolded and tied to a picnic table while a softball game was going on • First real lesbian sex • Every time I conceived • Sex in the mayor's office • On a pool table in a little tiny redneck town after-hours • On my kitchen floor • Sex with a complete asshole • On the roof of a townhome • In the cornfield • Catalina State Park • Sex in a park while sprinklers were on • Giving a blowjob in the car on the way to Phoenix • Taking ecstasy with my lover--we were covered in glitter and candle wax • Playing doctor • When he went in the back door • Two close friends in the bed of my pickup truck in the desert @ 3 a.m. • Sex on a Carnival cruise with my ex-girlfriend • Sex on a Michigan golf course • Fun at the drive-in with my husband • Limo sex • Having sex with someone from work that every other woman wants and doesn't know I've had (16 years younger!) • Losing my virginity in the Minolta Room at the Flandrau • I'm 22 and I don't think I've had one • The first time I performed oral sex on a girl • Sex on the courthouse lawn • Doing it for four hours straight in every room in the house • When my husband ate me out for two hours • In the dentist's chair with laughing gas • Cracking my head open on a headboard • First sex after divorce • Twin male lovers in a three-way • When a man bit me until I bled • Getting head on golf course • Making love in water • My prom dress was stolen while having sex for the first time--explain that to your mom! • My ex-girlfriend and I set up my then-current GF for a threesome • Having sex with my friend after not seeing him for 50 years • Getting busted by real-estate agent showing the house • My clit swelled to the size of a fig after sex with a black guy! • Doing it in the White House • Helping a younger man learn all about great sex MEN SAY: Being watched • Threesome • At my age? The most recent • My first time with my favorite dancer • Watching my girlfriend squirm when she orgasms • Threeway with another male • Those in the open wilderness • Tying a girl with her hands above her head standing and whipping her • Wife of 24 years • Two 16-year-old girls one night I was 8 years old • Girl on top • Outside during nighttime summer monsoon downpour with lightning • On amyl nitrate • Sex in an airplane • While on LSD • Four-way open sex • Getting it on with three women • Going out with the wife while she's wearing a see-thru dress, no bra or panties, only a garter and stockings • First time my future wife and I had sex in college • Blowjob in UA library • Tying and blindfolding my partner, then playing pain and pleasure • Watching my wife have sex with a black man • Sex alongside I-10 at 2 a.m. • The first time • A 17-year-old German boy who couldn't speak English • Sex with dog • Sex with girlfriend while grandparents slept in the next room • Blowjob in parking lot of El Arte de Rosa's • Sex with Miss Teen N.Y. • A beautiful married lady seduced me • Four-hour highway blowjob • First woman to swallow • On a rock deep in the Sabino near that swimmin' hole • Loss of gay virginity • 10 times in a day on acid • Bathhouse with multiple partners • Elevator!!! • First time I masturbated • Linda Evans • In a swimming pool with a dancer • When the copper told me to get up and get dressed and go home • Blowjob on the Grand Canyon railway • Sex on a pitcher's mound • Getting whipped in lingerie • She kicked all the knobs off my dash board • Sex in a movie theatre • Oral sex from a confused lesbian • Sex in a cave • Ex's mother • Sex with a couple, both of whom I truly loved • UA football field • Mother/daughter • Anal sex w/ best friend's girlfriend while he went out for beer • Tit-fucking • Train bathroom • Two sisters and their mother • 24 hours/10 orgasms • First visit to social club with wife • Tying up partner for first time • Train around Disneyland • Sex on acid at a Dead show • Getting sucked off by a minister • Surprised in a limousine • Seeing Kevin Danaher's BMW humping that TEP pole • Had affair while married • First day home with new wife after three months at sea • The one time I had anal sex • Group sex in mountains on a rainy weekend in trailer • Having sex with a beautiful girl on the rocks of a secluded bay in Hawaii • Blowjob from my neighbor while I was walking the dog one night What Turns You Off About Your Lover? WOMEN SAY: His smoking • He's married • Became too routine • Trying too hard • Bad breath • He doesn't get it up much anymore • He's getting bald • He's not attentive enough to me • Insecurity • Not brushing teeth and smoking • Has an abscess on arm • When we are involved in foreplay, he plays stupid • He tells me every move I should make • He doesn't talk to me • He's not very muscular • When he sits around the house nude • When he's too clingy or whiny • He snores • He's too uptight about making sure I have an orgasm • No foreplay • Rolling over and sleeping right after sex • Zits • His computer • He always wants sex • Coldness • His libido isn't as high as mine sometimes • His TV watching • When he's grumpy • Lack of aggression • His substance abuse • Back hair • Unshowered body • Her need to please me • When he's drunk and wants sex • Negative attitudes • Thinks he knows everything about foreplay • Bad mood • When he does yoga • Pre-ejaculation • When he won't snuggle after sex • Talking dirty • Needs to smile more • Her scars • Her weight • Not wild enough--too reserved • Too much slobbering when performing oral sex • Talking too damn much • He's too tired • Hairy chest • Belching • Her hair • Dirty butthole • If he doesn't like himself • He forgets about foreplay • Pot bellies • When she makes me think of her ex-girlfriend • When we have sex and he goes straight to the shower and to sleep • When she begs for sex • He takes too long to ejaculate • When he shouts right in my ear at his climax • His temper • Hesitant about making first move • Familiarity • Scrubby face • Small penis • Too forceful at times • Uncommitted • Flicks condom on floor • His avoidance issues • Inhibited • When he stops to go to the bathroom, remove glasses, put on glasses, remove hair, etc. • Hairy from the waist down • His feet • He wants anal too much • Dumb comments • He needs to bathe first • Pot breath • In a hurry • Too nice in bed • Poor self-esteem • Weird growth/bump on the end of his nose • He's afraid to honestly share himself • Won't reciprocate oral sex, leaving too quickly after sex • Her insecurity • He's overweight • Spits phlegm in sink • He's rude, snotty and he works too much • If he smells down there and wants oral sex • He doesn't talk dirty during sex and I want dirty, damn it! • He comes too quick • Dull personality • MEN SAY: Laughing during sex • When she just lays there her • Weight • Morning breath • Negativity and chronic whining • Not wanting sex • When she is not willing • Extremely inhibited about her body image • Figure • Stopped dressing up • Fat • Not having a lover • Not enough sex • Attitude • Always nagging • She doesn't initiate sex • Doesn't touch • No tan • Lack of common sense • Body • Sex is routine at times • Does not like being on top • Hygiene • His lack of desire • Her flesh • When she ignores me • The talking • His forgetfulness • His bad driving • His guy • She nods off during foreplay • Poor communications • She doesn't keep her pussy clean-shaven • Smoker's cough • Huge male ego • Armpit hair • Male bashing • She can have great sex but everything has to be "just so" • Never goes down on me • When she does pills • Baby pouch and stretch marks • An annoying cough • She smokes a lot • He takes so long to get ready that I damn near fall asleep • She has lost her desire • Self-doubt • Unwillingness to experiment • Her dislike of my love for cross-dressing • Puritanical attitudes about sex • Always lies on her back, sometimes plays dead • Sagging breasts • put-downs • Asking me to do stuff • Negative outlook on life • Too sleepy • Farting • Too controlling • Face • She is really very mediocre at it • Whining for more sex • Dishonesty • Serious discussions • His track marks and scars • I wish she had her pubes shaved like the women in the pornos • Doesn't like to kiss after oral sex • She sometimes kisses with her lips puckered too tight • Too passive-acting What do you think about when you masturbate? WOMEN SAY: Lots of different things • Other women--making them come • How bad I want sex • Bondage fantasies • David Duchovny • Having oral, anal and vaginal sex with the guy I'm dating • Being a stripper/sex slave/porn star • I watch porno movies with women threesomes and I fantasize about being in the middle of that • Oral sex • Getting to that plateau • Making love to another woman • Past experiences with my first love • Tom Selleck • Stripping or masturbating on stage • Multi-partners in public • Sci-fi scenarios • Weird slave fantasies • Just the way it feels • Ex-husband • Bondage • What I'm doing and how it feels • Submission of various kinds • My husband's cock • Good previous sex • I imagine my husband sitting on the couch watching me, sometimes he is watching me • Men finding me irresistible • Beautiful Oriental martial arts actresses • Myself • Being licked and fucked • Women, men, people • If someone's going to walk in on me • Multiple partners • Watching other couples • Music • Men--virile, young men • Duh! • The faceless man • Being dominated per my explicit instructions • How my clit is Mighty Mountain • Staying awake • I read • S&M • Ally McBeal, in the flesh • A very sexy dude • The feeling of having sex • Someone fucking me from behind • Drunk teenage boys • Tits and ass • Public sex with inappropriate people • Violent sex • Oscar de la Hoya • My lover eating and having sex with another woman in front of me for my pleasure • Being pursued, then caught and fucked to exhaustion by a tall, sexy, fem, brunette stranger • The ocean • Being a teenage boy having sex with his teenage sister • Being a sexy teenage girl seducing her teacher • Fluffy little bunnies • World peace • Brad Pitt naked MEN SAY: Possible lovers • Women with juicy vaginas who enjoy sex • Uh, sex, I suppose. It's nothing very elaborate. • Naked women • Watching videos my two girls make with their clients • Is quick and pleasing • Women, duhhh • Wishing it was real • Videos • Buff Border Patrol agent stationed in Douglas, Ariz. • Women • All kinds of sex acts • The smell of a wet pussy • Getting fucked or fucking a man • Penthouse Variations magazine • Anal sex • My wife taking a big cock • Girls with cooze • A woman giving me a blowjob • Big-breasted women • Women going down on me • Doggie-style sex • People watching • Former lover's body • Teenage girls • Oral sex • Prostrate sensation • Massage • Restraint • Stiff nipples • Dominance/submission • Being a woman • Women in kinky clothes • Big tits • Having sex with hot, young straight men • Hunky men • Either fat men, Randy Garsee or my lover • Imaginary sex-friend • Is spunk good for skin when you spurt on her tits? • Porno sluts • Things I never actually do • $ • Mother-in-law • Forum letters • Being raped • Women at work • Women with women • Girlfriend doing a gang-bang • Pleasing a man while cross-dressed • My brother's wife • The Kurdish Independence Movement • Group sex with all my former girlfriends at one time • Having sex with a woman of every different nationality • Supermodels • Ugly hateful people and things What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? WOMEN SAY: Sex in the bathroom at a company party • Sex in snow on cross-country skis • Had sex on the hood of my car with 2 guys I picked up on the side of the road • Golden shower • Where do I start? • Hot wax on the nipples • Gone only in a leather jacket to the store • Picked up 2 guys at a bar in Vegas • Having sex on my front porch • Make out with female friends • Masturbating with objects like champagne bottles, beer bottles, zucchini • Sex in porn shop watching videos • Fisting someone with two hands • Having sex with three men and using a curling iron and bud vase as a dildo • Handcuff my partner, rub him down with that edible warming lotion, I rub my body on his and lick him until he lifted the whole bed to get out of the handcuffs • Sex on a cop car in a graveyard • Talk on the phone with my mother while having sex • Masturbate in front of a john • Having sex with another woman at Hotel Congress • Being choked during sex • Rodeo day (naked w/ drover coat, spurs, boots, gun, handcuffs) • Threeway/me and another girl and my partner • The menage thing • Not telling • In the back of a VW bug with me on top • Used vegetables for masturbation • Bondage • Masturbated while driving • I've been whipped. didn't like it • Trying to fuck underwater while snorkeling • Attended a nudist party • Public sex • Two partners in two days • Got tied up, blindfolded and spanked • Anal sex and vaginal sex with a bottle • Made a sex movie • Dress-up, blindfold, whips • Oral sex with ice cream • Bondage • Let my lover shave my pussy • Spanked someone • Sex on a pool table after hours • Had an affair with son's friend • Swapping • Having sex in front of the camera • Picked up a guy while waiting at the drive-thru window at Carl Jr.'s • Anal • Three women, one guy naked in a Jacuzzi • Being fisted • A cop and handcuffs were involved • Sex with five women • Sex in the broom closet at grocery store • Let it be known I wasn't wearing any underwear • Multi-vegie penetration--or was it the orgy? • Befriended a banana • Answered this survey • Blow off 10-12 guys at the edge of a pool at a social club • Gone to an orgy • Had oral in the parking lot w/door open at the movies • Received a golden shower in bed • Stood in handstand while having sex • Dressed as a prostitute and my husband hogtied me and he spanked me, then took advantage of me while he was dressed as a woman in black • Gave a handjob in a bar • Sex club • Role-played and had sex while dancing at a bar • Dressed in raincoat, nothing underneath • Licked an asshole • A threesome in a hammock • Had sex with another girl in front of 150 men • Used a strap-on to have sex with boyfriend • Paris sex club • Same bed as roommate and friend, but no switching • Not wiped, by request • Sex in truck while driving down the interstate • Sex with someone I didn't love • Got my nipples pierced • Being blindfolded and tied up • Public oral sex across Arkansas • Drinking blood from bites • Sex in my parent's bed • Jerked off two men at the same time • Sex standing on my head • Getting fucked with a maglite in the cab of my then-GF's 4x4 while on camping trip to Mexico while friends unknowingly sat 15 feet away • Threw up on someone while giving a blowjob • Sex in a church bathroom • Let my boyfriend come on my face and let it dry as a facial mask • Stripped and did a chair dance for my lover • Body paint • Having my labia pierced MEN SAY: Threesome • Sex in the open on a minor peak along the Douglas Springs Trail • Used a candy cane in my partner • Taken Polaroids during sex • Carrot up my ass while masturbating • Masturbating on my cat, between cat and mattress • Partner and a dog • Wore a mask and had sex at a fetish ball • Prostitute sex • Nothing kinky--yet • Had sex on Chiracahua Mountains near Cochise stronghold • Sex in a cop car • Had sex in public bathroom • Sex with another man • Had anal sex with a woman while her lover screws her • Run naked and masturbated in the desert • Outdoor sex in a hotel pool • Watersports/pee play • Whipping • Gave a guy head with my lover • Holding a big black cock and putting it in my wife's cunt • Speedball with blow job • Penile infibulation • Shaved all my body • Sex on the Salt River • Bi threesome • Screwed a clerk in the ass in a JC Penney's dressing room • Let a dog lick my dick • Public outdoor sex • Had sex with guy while wife was in the other room • Got paid to let gay guy suck me off • Spent the whole day humping and sucking and smoking pot • Hetero group sex with bi-males • Sex in a tree • BJ in Benson tourist train • Blindfolded group sex • Busted in a glass elevator • Watching while partner masturbated herself • Fucked by a strap-on while in drag • Watched others at my first orgy, then joined in • Tried to screw myself • Anal sex while spanking a girl and calling her a dirty slut • Blown two men in a walk-in freezer • Masturbated with a friend who was eight months pregnant with her husband's child • Had sex on the washing machine • Jerked off into my own mouth • Masturbated and came all over my wife's friend's panties while house-sitting • Vaginal insertion of pop rocks and alka-seltzer • Had sex blindfolded with seven guys • Wear wife's underpants • Attended a naked Twister party • Made it with a man who was wearing fish-nets and a garter belt • Had sex with a girl's feet • Sex with my aunt • Spied on naked mother-in-law and masturbated • Fisted a blindfolded Republican cheerleader • Peeked at girls showering • Gave enema to girlfriend before sodomy • Jacked off a guy through a glory hole • Sex with an inflated female sex doll • Had sex with a trainee in the parking lot • Mutual masturbation with significant other under the table during Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house • Screwed best friend's wife on gravel driveway in front of him • Received oral sex from a dog • Shower sex at health club • Made a video of myself modeling different teddies, leotards, bras, dresses, pumps, stockings and fucking myself with a dildo • Used vibrator with my wife during sex • Ass lick • Sex in grocery parking lot • Sex with sheep • Bent over an ottoman and let a huge golden retriever fuck my ass--great! • Sex with my wife and my lover on the same day • Masturbated with a travel toothbrush holder What's Your Favorite Name For Your Private Parts? Cock • Choad • Snatch • Tits • Elvis • Bunny • Weenus • Zeus • Myself • Mamacita • The monkey • Bodacious ta-tas • Pride and joy • Mr. Happy • Dick • Sweeney • Charlie • Johnson • Charlie and Quinn • The girls • Honey pot • Pecker • Winston • Scwanz • Muff • Pelvis joystick • Peter • Schlong • One-eyed lizard with a turtleneck sweater • Alvin • Little thing • Troy • Him • Mr. Willy • Húi • Lefty • Vesuvius • Li'l squirt • Harvey Wallbanger • Big Daddy • Manhood • Cunt • My second brain • Happy stick • Puppy • Horse dick • My gun • Pancho • Yoohah • The playground • Lola • Clit • Little Willy • Mainerd • Junior • Russell the one-eyed muscle • The three-inch thriller • My Jerry • Paul Bunyan • Mr. Peabody • Big Daddy and the Boys • Henry • Big Boy • Pussy • My underbelly • Raspberries • Kingdom • Simon • Slave • Mistress • Pepe • Sweet lips • Longfella • Mr. Fun Staff • Spurt monster • Rodney • Highway to Hell • Joey • Davie boy • George • Heavy D and the Boys • Jimmy • Fred • Herbie • Oscar • Wambat • Love rod • Tommy D • The Weasel • My Nintzel • The Club • Big Boy • Moe, Larry and Curly • Dr. Wand • Thor • Mr. Bilbo • Rising passion • Herman • Margo • Wonk • Sneaky Pete • Ned and the twins • One-eyed idiot • Ecstasy pole • Tigger • Stick shift and ball bearings • One-eyed wonder worm • Trouser mouse • Woogie • Harley • Big Bill and the boys • Jumping Jack Flash • Wild Thing • Sammy • Mr. Limpie • Sunshine • George coochie • Porn star • Junior • Cheryl • Pee-pee • Yoni • Sacred Space • Cooterville • Calico • Totty • Muff • Honey sweet • Kitty • Itsby, bitsby • Chonchi • Puss puss • Little hoots • The fuzzy • Love box • Mr. Happy • The girls and Miss Kitty • I never had pet names for my organs but I call my cat Boobie • May, June • Kitty meow • Brownie • Little friend • Mr. MaGoo • Nortons • Down there • Mr. Winkie • My peach • The Waldo sisters and Clarise • Wee-wee • Dusty rusty • Fred • Poonjabi • Hummer • Herme • Hon • Broomhilda • Beaver • Crazy one-eyed Mary • Clitopatra • Jade gates • Flower • Honey box • Land of Ahs • Goddess flower • Love button • Fifi • Buddy What do you try not to think about when you masturbate? WOMEN SAY: Work • Bills and responsibilities • My ex-husband • My problems • Homework • Housework • Family members • What I look like when masturbating • Childhood/men • Having sex with men • Being by myself • Ex-boyfriend • Fat people • People I know • Anything family-related • Reality • My partner (then it turns into a different fantasy and doesn't work as well) • My mother • Bills • Someone walking in • Why there's no man there • Violence • Actual people that I know • Pain or discomfort • If someone's going to walk in on me • Being hurt • Someone coming home • My incestuous grandfather • The fact that I am masturbating • The world today • No human contact • Impeachment issues • Force • Puppies • My cousin • My father's sexual abuse of me as a child • World problems • My sheets • Ugly people • Being a sexually violent male raping children • Not being laid • Past bad lovers • The end of my sex life • My pastor • The chores that need to be done • Nothing romantic or mushy • Fingernails • Childbirth • Boss • Biochemistry class • How silly this act is • The cracks in the ceiling MEN SAY: Work • Former lovers • Women who don't enjoy sex • What's on TV • Getting caught • Mom or sister • Men • Bible • Janet Reno • Women • Relatives • Monster trucks • Blue vomit • All the work I should be doing • Interruptions • Daily trivia • Beastiality • Warts • Bill Clinton • My kids • Things that need to be done • Baseball scores • Celine Dion • Kathie Lee Gump • IRS • Filling out surveys • Big guys with hairy butts • My ex-wife • Hillary Clinton • Bea Arthur • Spirits of dead friends and relatives watching me • Linda Tripp • Cigars • Fat women in thongs • Debt • Fourth-grade teacher • Marriage • The AIDS epidemic • Lorena Bobbitt • My car • Crackerbarrel stock price • Jane Hull • Tammy Faye Baker • Impeachment • Ronald Reagan • How I'm going to burn in eternal hell for pandering to my animalistic lust • Jesse Helms • Strom Thurmond • Child issues • J. Edgar Hoover • Patti Weiss What's The Weirdest Thing You've Ever Said During Sex? WOMEN SAY: Give momma a carrot • Wait, let me light a joint • How do I get out of here? • I make animal noises • Can you move to the side so I can see the TV? • Fuck me like a man! • I'm the man! • Thank you! • What is that? • Fuck me like an animal • Recite Shakespeare for me • It sounds like fish going up the fish ladder on the Columbia River • Is that you or the cat licking me? • Does it feel good? • Caribbean juices • You own me • More, much more • The wrong name • I wish I had more breasts for you to suck • Go Vikings Go! • Ouch • Are you married? • Hallelujah, praise the gods! • Mommy! • Beat me raw • Oooh, it's so big • Grandma says, "No kinky stuff!" • Son, go back to bed • Oh shit, I have to fart • I hear my mother calling me • I wish my mother could have known you! • Could that be my mom calling? • The tennis match is at 5 • I'm hungry • I forgot to tell you your mom called • What the hell are you doing? • Had a full-blown conversation about a movie during sex once • You know this doesn't mean I love you • I don't want anymore • I think I'm in love • Is the oven still on? • To the moon, Rocket Man! • Thanks for the ride! • I think I broke it • Where are we going to eat after this? • Rape me • I want to meet your parents • Ride me like a bull • Did your mother lay them out for you? • I wonder what time the trash will be picked up today • Reload this, will you? MEN SAY: I love you • Gosh, I came so hard that turned my eyelids inside out • Are we having fun yet? • I'm fucking you with a swan's neck • Stick your finger in my ass • Is it in your ass or puss? • Punish me, baby • You know, this isn't right • I didn't think she could take it all • Drain me, bitch • Wow • I want a threesome • I lov--like you • Sweet Jesus! • The wrong name • Would you like more whipping with wire coat hanger? • Pizza's here! • Would I be doing this if I didn't love you? • Oh my God! Nngghh! Gaah! • What's your name? • I think the cops are here • I want to eat your pussy after I come in it • Who's the king? • Whip me harder • Ma-ma • I'm a happy boy • Eat me raw, balls and all • You know, I'd rather eat a sandwich • Stop • Who, me? • I want to marry you • Is it soup yet? • Who's your daddy? • I've never done this before--but you're doing it wrong • Are you there? • How 'bout those Bulls • Touch my monkey • Want to get a pizza later? • That Betty Crocker was one hell of an upholsterer! • It doesn't taste that bad! • Tastes like chicken • You stink • We're going to be late for church • Do I make you horny? • I left the hose running in the garden • This stroke is for my cousin Larry • Where's the car? • I've got to get your phone number • Take it out of your mouth, it's not doing anything for me • Honey, I'm home, where's my dinner? • Fuck me, Daddy • Called out my own name • I wish you had the penis and I had the vagina • Elvis is leaving the building • What's The Kinkiest Thing You've Never Done But Always Wanted To Try? WOMEN SAY: Threeway • To make porns • S&M, anal, etc. etc. • Sex with a man and a woman • Have sex in the presence of others having sex • Always willing to try new things • A threesome with a beautiful-built blonde and my husband • Sex in the woods • Have sex on top of a fridge • Sex on a motorcycle during a gay pride parade • Two guys and me • Make love to two (or more) women • Two guys on me • Masturbate on a table in front of 10 men with their help • B&D • Sex on gym equipment • Doing it on an airplane • On a SunTran bus • Sex in public • Sex while parachuting • Tie my man to the bed and gently seduce him • Sex on mushrooms • Sex with a woman • Group sex • Two men at once • Chains and leather in a swinging chair • Have a sundae made out of me with chocolate, whipped cream and cherries • Wearing no panties under a shirt and have dinner out • Jello • Sex outside under a full moon • Sex in a restaurant • Handcuffs • Sex in a swing outdoors • Sex hanging from a chandelier • An orgy • Having sex with a woman with a strap-on • A small plane and a pilot with courage • Warm butterscotch • Multi-male penetration (all orifices and both hands) • A mini-dildo for me bum • Sex in zero-gravity • Run for office • Getting fingerfucked in a restaurant • Sex on a pool table • S&M • Worse S&M • Go out with a coat and high heels, nothing else on • Eat out girlfriend when she's driving her 4X4 • Have female give me an enema • Dress skimpy and have my husband tie me up and spank me in front of a group of people • Sex in an elevator • Bi-fem sex • Sex with 10 women • Be onstage and get whipped and mutilated and then fucked • To be tied up and cut all over • Some objectification • Switching • Fuck boyfriend with a strap-on • Being eaten out in front of an audience • Beastiality • Sex in a bathtub filled with green Jell-o • Tie up my lover, leave house, go to bar, get drunk, come back for sex • Sex in a hot tub • Eating a woman while my boyfriend has sex with me • Participating in an all-fem gang bang • Find a lifelong commitment and have kids • Sex in a New Orleans cemetery during Mardi Gras MEN SAY: Mother/daughter or two sisters • Two women on me • Group sex--anything goes • Anonymous sex • Piercing nipples of two girls, putting one ring to hold them together • Two men/one woman • Being sodomized by a woman with a tiny dildo • Female quintuplets • Group • Mile-high club • Humiliation/S&M/golden shower • Fuck a man to orgasm • Sex with pre-op TS • Serious whipping • Having wife gang-banged • It involves two girls at the same time • Have sex with an amputee • Tattoo • Tied up while being pleased by two women • I tease her about a Chinese basket job but I don't think I want to • Multiple women • Screw a stewardess while in flight • Give golden shower • Cross-dressing • Orgy • Public sex • Role play • Doctor's office • Police station • Strip tease in a female prison • Lick whipped cream off entire body of lover • Have sex while dancing at Club Congress on techno night • Sheep sex • Get peed on by a stranger half my age • Shave my wife's pussy • Watch my woman with animal • Sex with truckers at truck stop • Doggie-style with Pamela Lee • Marching Monica on a leash down the beach, smacking her ass with a riding crop • Sex with ET • Have a session with a leather master • Get married and live happily ever after • Appear before the House Judiciary Committee • Have sex with and convert a lesbian • Administer CAP enemas to Bob and Jerry while masturbating on the hood of a Mercedes • Sex on the toilet • Oral sex with Steve while he is doing his news • Girl's night out: Dress as a woman and have "lesbian sex" with other women • Heavy bondage • Penetrating a woman's anus (a man's would be next) • Fucked by female • Sex at work • 69 with man • Tie my lover up and fuck her any way and every way--maybe let someone do it too • Lick myself Anything we should have asked that we didn't? Favorite positions • How important is talking before, after, during? •Do you use protection? • How much have you ever paid? ($250) • Size!!! • Ever been raped? Report in? • Religion? • Are you sexually deprived? Yes! • Are you happy with your sex life? • When is the sex survey party? • Fetish for wearing female or male clothing • Best place for having sex in Tucson? • Best strip club offering sex for sale? • Best place for picking up hookers in Tucson? • Do you have to be drunk to fuck? • Is breast size important? • Could you live with polygamous relationship? • Question re: safe sex • What kind of birth control do you use? • How long for great oral sex? • More clinical fantasy preferences • Have you ever placed ad for sex? • Are you a registered sex offender? • Have you ever had sex during a professional massage? • If you could have more guilt-free sex, would you? • Would you rather be in love with the person you're having sex with, or not? • Biggest dick or tits ever seen? • Do you have special sexual skills? • Is sex the most important part of a relationship? • Do you need Viagra? • What would your stage name be if you were in a porn movie? • What would you do if you found out your partner was cheating? • Do you harbor homosexual tendencies? • Have you ever been impotent? • Have you ever truly loved someone you've had sex with? • Would you have sex with Monica Lewinsky? • Are you a mental patient? • Do you wish you'd been born with another sexual preference? • If a lapdancer makes you come in your pants, is that sex? • How do you feel driving home afterwards? • Do you swallow? • Did you love the person you were having sex with? • When was your last HIV test? • Have you ever had sex with someone who was married, but not to you? • Who have you most regretted having sex with? • People's interest in regards to golden showers, the act of necrophilia, voyeurism • Incest survivor? • Fisting? • Favorite noise you make during sex? • Have you had sex in a swimming pool or public spa? • More about oral sex • Have you been the cause of any break-ups? • Have you done anything you feel guilty about or regret? • Do you enjoy sex? • Did you always? • Has sex gotten better or worse as you've aged? • Are you in love with someone other than your current partner? What nationality has the best lovers? • Favorite time of the day for sex? • Gender of current lover • Ever had an abortion? • Do you use birth control? • Women's answers about the size of man's unit • Do condoms enhance or detract from your pleasure? • What do you wish your lover knew about sex but you can't tell him/her? • Have you been honest on this survey? • Has the AIDS epidemic changed your sexual behavior? • What do you think any of this has to do with anything? • If you're bisexual, which sex do you like better, your own or the other? • What's your favorite sex position? • Has your partner ever masturbated with you? • What's your favorite sex toy catalogue? • What would you like your partner to do more of? • Are you circumcised? • How do you view sexual relationships? • What do you like most about sex? • Best CD for seduction

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